


The Chronicles of a Really Stupid Family

by oliver_twisted



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Group chat, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, dave is a himbo, everyone's dumb and can't communicate properly, family nonsense, i know group chat fics are cringe but just hear me out, i'm self-aware dw, so just like the show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27180263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliver_twisted/pseuds/oliver_twisted
Summary: Just another shitty group chat fic.But things might not be entirely what they seem...
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves/Jill, Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, Raymond Chestnut/Allison Hargreeves, Sissy Cooper/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 13
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i'm completely aware that group chat fics are the cringiest format imaginable. just bear with me on this one. my friend was mad at me and told me group chat fics don't have the right to be funny. so enjoy.

\- 05/07/2019 -

**Spaceb0y:** Heading to the store. Do any of you need anything?

**BatmanNo2:** could y'all make a separate group chat just for the people who live in the mansion? or do you deliver, luther?

**ouijapen15:** lube

**BatmanNo2:** you could also make a group chat that's only the people who give a shit about klaus's weird kinks

**ouijapen15:** lube isn't a weird kink! it's important!

**Spaceb0y:** Buy your own lube. Anything else?

**still_a_number:** I need something

**the_rumor_03:** let me guess, coffee?

**still_a_number:** Craisins, actually. Don't assume you know everything about me, because you don't

**BatmanNo2:** aw, what's the matter tiny man?

**ouijapen15:** tiny man gonna cry? does tiny man need his blankie?

**still_a_number:** I'm not afraid to kill either of you

**BatmanNo2:** i could take your scrawny ass in a heartbeat, schoolboy

**ouijapen15:** good luck, god hates me, she'd just send me back again

**BenHargraves:** *John Mulaney voice* Now we don't have time to unpack  _ all _ of that.

**still_a_number:** I'm not afraid to kill Dave and Lila either

**BatmanNo2:** HEY

**ouijapen15:** not cool

**Chamelilan:** not groovy, J.D.

**Spaceb0y:** His name is Five though?

**Chamelilan:** movie reference.

**BatmanNo2:** nobody's killing anybody, okay?

**Spaceb0y:** Do we need anything else or not?

**still_a_number:** Craisins, spaceman. Craisins

**ouijapen15:** dave wants me to come back to bed but he says we need more bar soap

**Spaceb0y:** Okay.

**BatmanNo2:** okay, gross

**ouijapen15:** what! we're cuddling! get your mind out of the gutter, diego

**BatmanNo2:** yeah, it's  _ my _ fault for thinking that way. not like you crashed at my place a hundred times high out of your mind and telling me about the latest guy you were sleeping with

**the_rumor_03:** uhh diego maybe we shouldn't

**ouijapen15:** yeah, can we not? davey reads the backlog sometimes. that kinda stuff makes him uncomfortable

**BatmanNo2:** right, sorry

**still_a_number:** ...You guys can share some of my craisins if you want

**BenHargraves:** I'll take some.

**still_a_number:** You can't eat

**BenHargraves:** I don't point out your flaws.

\- 05/08/2019 -

**the_rumor_03:** guys! ray got a phone!

**BookLover:** Hi, everyone.

**ouijapen15:** hi ray!

**BenHargraves:** Well this is gonna be confusing.

**the_rumor_03:** how so?

**BenHargraves:** Well what about Jill?

**the_rumor_03:** what  _ about  _ jill?

**booklover:** uhh… this is interesting.

**BookLover:** Jill?

**booklover:** hi ray.

**ouijapen15:** oh no

**BatmanNo2:** how are we gonna tell them apart?

**the_rumor_03:** well ray's has capitals

**ouijapen15:** i'm never gonna remember that

**booklover:** i could change mine if that would help.

**BookLover:** Yeah, or I could change mine.

**BenHargraves:** No, you're not changing anything, Jill, you're perfect.

**ouijapen15:** awwww

**BenHargraves:** Shut up.

**the_rumor_03:** well ray shouldn't have to change his either

**BatmanNo2:** whatever, i'm sure it'll be fine

**violinvanya:** What if Ray put a 3 instead of the E? Because, like, Allison

**BookLover:** Why would I put a number in a word?

**the_rumor_03:** it's like a thing. don't worry though, vanya, we'll get used to it

**booklover:** yeah, we can manage.

**the_rumor_03:** that's the spirit, honey!

**booklover:** i'm jill.

**the_rumor_03:** oh right

**BenHargraves:** I'm the only one who can call her "honey."

**ouijapen15:** kiss! kiss! kiss!

**BenHargraves:** Shut  _ up. _

**the_rumor_03:** well really, what did you expect?

**ouijapen15:** seriously though, benny, you're missing out. you two should really be official by now. ghost sex is the best, you're missing out

**BenHargraves:** _ Klaus. _

**booklover:** omg

**BenHargraves:** You only know sex  _ with _ a ghost, though. How about sex  _ as _ a ghost?

**ouijapen15:** dave certainly seems to think it's good

**BenHargraves:** Alright, I'm done with this conversation.

**ouijapen15:** jealous

\- 05/09/2019 -

**haunted_Katzle:** Hey sweetheart, did you end up picking up more lube?

**ouijapen15:** baby this is the group chat

**haunted_Katzle:** Oh shit

**ouijapen15:** but yes i did

**BatmanNo2:** hahaha sex, haha sex is so fun, i'm klaus, let's talk about sex all the time

**ouijapen15:** dave started it!

**haunted_Katzle:** I'm sorryyyyy

**ouijapen15:** you're just jealous that lila isn't into your weird leather kink

**BatmanNo2:** who says she's not?

**Chamelilan:** i'm not.

**Spaceb0y:** Sorry to interrupt. I don't know who keeps leaving the orange juice on the counter instead of in the fridge but can you please stop?

**ouijapen15:** wasn't me

**BatmanNo2:** i don't live there

**ouijapen15:** so if it wasn't me, and ben and dave can't eat or drink, and five only drinks coffee like the little gremlin he is, then it must be jill

**BatmanNo2:** he seriously  _ only _ drinks coffee. i don't know how he survives without  _ water _

**booklover:** it wasn't me.

**BenHargraves:** Yeah, don't accuse her of anything!

**Spaceb0y:** Look, I don't care who it is as long as it stops. I just want my orange juice cold is all.

**haunted_Katzle:** Sooo, now that we  _ do _ have the lube…

**ouijapen15:** still the group chat babe

**haunted_Katzle:** _ Fuck _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for indulging me in this stupid venture of mine

\- 05/10/2019 -

**still_a_number:** People who don't live in this hellhole- What's it like to not live in this hellhole?

**BatmanNo2:** pretty damn nice

**the_rumor_03:** peaceful

**violinvanya:** I mean our apartment is small but it isn't bad. Harlan likes it

**BenHargraves:** Oh no, what did Klaus do this time?

**still_a_number:** Walking from his bedroom to the bathroom while brushing his teeth

**the_rumor_03:** so?

**still_a_number:** Naked

**the_rumor_03:** oh

**BatmanNo2:** _ they had us in the first half, not gonna lie _

**haunted_Katzle:** Guys don't bad-mouth him, he's sleeping

**still_a_number:** That seems like the perfect time to bad-mouth him

**haunted_Katzle:** Nooo! Be nice!

**the_rumor_03:** dave, have you  _ met _ five?

**haunted_Katzle:** He's so pretty when he sleeps

**still_a_number:** _ Me? _

**haunted_Katzle:** No!! Not what I meant. Sorry

**still_a_number:** Okay, I was gonna say…

**haunted_Katzle:** I mean I'm sure you look fine when you sleep too but y'know. I'm not your boyfriend

**still_a_number:** Thanks?

**haunted_Katzle:** I don't know

**BatmanNo2:** lol

**haunted_Katzle:** But yeah, Klaus is just…  _ beautiful _

**the_rumor_03:** omg put a ring on it already

**haunted_Katzle:** Stoppp you're gonna make me blush

**BatmanNo2:** i'll never understand how klaus found someone willing to put up with him

**haunted_Katzle:** Maybe because he's perfect

**still_a_number:** Now I wouldn't go that far

**violinvanya:** I'm glad he has someone like you, Dave

**BatmanNo2:** yeah, really, you're a  _ saint _

**violinvanya:** No, I mean really, Klaus deserves someone who cares about him like that. He's been through a lot

**BatmanNo2:** yeah, exactly, he's finally settling down so he doesn't have to crash at my place high out of his mind whenever he's not on the streets

**violinvanya:** Oh, right, I forgot that not all of you had to use pills to cope with being confined to small spaces for extended periods of time as a child. My bad.

**BatmanNo2:** ...shit

**haunted_Katzle:** Thank you, Vanya

**still_a_number:** I don't care where he's sleeping or what pills he is or isn't taking as long as he's wearing clothes

**BatmanNo2:** seconded

**still_a_number:** You don't even  _ live _ here, you don't have to deal with it

**BatmanNo2:** i'm saying it for your sake, bro. i've seen it enough in my own life, i can empathize

**haunted_Katzle:** I don't know… I kinda like it when he's not wearing clothes

**BatmanNo2:** we know you do, dave

**still_a_number:** I don't care about whatever freaky shit you two do alone. I just don't want to see or hear any of it. That's another issue, too. The  _ hearing _

**haunted_Katzle:** ...You guys can hear us?

**still_a_number:** Oh yeah

**BenHargraves:** _ All  _ the time.

**still_a_number:** We can hear the screams

**BenHargraves:** We can tell when you choke him.

**still_a_number:** And we can  _ always _ hear the bed creaking

**BenHargraves:** Always.

**haunted_Katzle:** ...Oh. Sorry

**BenHargraves:** Believe me, I'm  _ more  _ than used to it. I just feel bad for the others. Especially Jill.

**BatmanNo2:** oh come on. not like jill hasn't had sex with him before

**haunted_Katzle:** She what?

**BenHargraves:** Ugh. Don't remind me.

**haunted_Katzle:** When was this??

**BenHargraves:** Not when you two were together, don't worry.

**BookLover:** Wait, who's sleeping with whom?

**BenHargraves:** You with Klaus.

**BookLover:** Um… I'm straight. And married.

**BenHargraves:** Oh shit sorry Ray. Still getting used to that.

**BatmanNo2:** ben how does it feel knowing your gf has a daddy kink?

**BenHargraves:** Shut  _ up. _ And she's not my gf. Yet.

**BatmanNo2:** i bet she pegged klaus. unless she's  _ that _ much of a bottom

**BenHargraves:** _ Stop it.  _ Seriously.

**BookLover:** What's a "bottom?"

**BenHargraves:** Oh no.

**BatmanNo2:** in gay lingo, the bottom is the…  _ receiver, _ let's call it

**BookLover:** OH. Okay.

**BenHargraves:** Yeah, but now it's also used as a more general term for just personality types.

**BookLover:** Okay. That makes sense.

**BatmanNo2:** your wife, for example

**BenHargraves:** Oh god please stop right now.

**BatmanNo2:** she's not a top  _ physically, _ at least i assume, but she has that  _ energy _

**BookLover:** Okay this is getting weird.

**BenHargraves:** Yeah, let's drop it.

\- 05/11/2019 -

**Spaceb0y:** Okay, for the last time, who keeps leaving out the orange juice?

**booklover:** not me.

**still_a_number:** Wasn't me

**Spaceb0y:** Klaus…

**ouijapen15:** it wasn't me! i swear on my brother's life!

**still_a_number:** Which brother?

**ouijapen15:** whichever one makes me sound the most convincing

**Spaceb0y:** Just put away your damn orange juice.

**ouijapen15:** i don't even drink orange juice!

**booklover:** i've been noticing things out of place too. clothes that aren't where i left them.

**ouijapen15:** that's probably just ben perving

**BenHargraves:** When can I move out?

**ouijapen15:** you need me in order to exist, bennifer. you move out when i do

**BenHargraves:** Ugh, but that means I have to come  _ with _ you.

**Spaceb0y:** I don't care who's perving or who's drinking the orange juice, okay? Just  _ stop it. _

**ouijapen15:** the fatal flaw in your little plan there is that none of us seem to be doing it

**booklover:** and it's not some new ghost or anything?

**ouijapen15:** nope. none that i've seen

**BenHargraves:** No, you've just been bitching about headaches. As if your diet isn't absolute garbage.

**ouijapen15:** hey, my diet has always been garbage, and i've never gotten headaches this regularly before

**BenHargraves:** Well, come to think of it, your diet did used to be  _ literal _ garbage. At least now it's just junk food. But it's probably not helping your headaches.

**ouijapen15:** thanks, benny

**BenHargraves:** Hey, I was with you for enough dumpster fries for it to make a lasting impact on my psyche.

**Spaceb0y:** Orange juice. Fridge. Got it?

**booklover:** got it.

**still_a_number:** Yep

**ouijapen15:** yes, captain

**Spaceb0y:** Good.


End file.
